remember me as a time of day

Take a look at yourself in a mirror who do you see looking back?
Is it the person you want to be?
Or is there someone else you were meant to be
the person you were meant to be but fell short of?

Is someone telling you you can’t or won’t?
Because you can.
Believe that love is out there
Believe that dreams come true every day.
Because they do.

Sometimes happiness doesn’t come from money or fame or power.
Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family
and the quiet nobility of leading a good life.
Believe that dreams come true every day.
Because they do.

Believe that dreams come true every day.
Because they do.

So take a look in that mirror
and remind yourself to be happy
because you deserve to be.
Believe that.
And believe that dreams come true every day.
Because they do.

talking about final, i finished watching one tree hill season 6 all over again last night. it was beautiful.

 

thehalloween2009

it reminds me not of last year Halloween nor the last 2 years Halloween.. reminds me of the Halloween of high school, say, 6 years…

the whole class went for an event in one of the ballroom in the town. i was sick just before the day. when i’m sick, mostly my blood is not pumping well to my leg. mostly i will stay in bed like a disabled. even when i have to pee, i need something to hold onto.

the day of Halloween six years ago is different. the party everybody has been waiting for that time. not for the occasion, not for the costume, just for the sake of partying together as a class. as a class that has been together for 9 years~

everyone is pretty casual back then, including me. although i look like dead person because of my sickness. so i didnt even have to dress for the occasion, my body did it for me.

in the middle of the party, i was expecting that i would faint or something, but luckily it did not. i was doing pretty well and enjoy the party that night. i miss those day much.

times past so fast. i remember those day we stayed all night long in a hotel just because our villa’s electricity was cut down and we met some ghosty thingy and scare our ass off that night. those day when the five of us drive ourselves madly to sidikalang, like really long and dangerous journey, think of it, we might die back then.

the day when we prepare for a pre-prom night at a pool side. we tried to make it our best, we thought it is back then. but if i watched back the video. lol. it’s purely funny~

then come to our proper prom night. we danced! the whole class did! it was so fun and was the last thing we did together as we say good luck to 1000 of the students scattered around the ballrooms and good bye, and cry, and yet we meet the next day~

i miss those days much. memories.

just for laugh, seriously

seriously, how er chui can people be when PMS?

well, karen might turn up crying in front of you while you had your caesar salad at carl’s jr.

leeyi might spent the whole night doing birthday cards and baking cakes.

now now, ah leo also ada PMS~~ hahaha..

exclusively quoted from karen’s deepest documentary, a file named “crazy indon” (see how racist this girl is), let’s see what ah leo did when PMS:

this is so called introduction:

karen says:
er chui lar you
karen says:
yalar
karen says:
you dont need me here ady lar
karen says:
then i go and sleep lar
karen says:
bye bye
leonar.dez. says:
bye
leonar.dez. says:
and gud nite
karen says:
eh feel bad eh
leonar.dez. says:
im feeling very bad ady
leonar.dez. says:
cant be worse
karen says:
…
karen says:
you wanna talk bout it?
karen says:
or erm.. you wanna talk bout something else?
karen says:
like how jumping beans are not the size of elephant crap and bounce around spreading crap as they bounce from house to house?
karen says:
or like how mulder from xfiles is really a sex addict?
karen says:
or like how bubbles always humps on the feet of strangers?
karen says:
or erm erm erm…
NOW, the er chui part

leonar.dez. says:
i just want to sleep
leonar.dez. says:
>.<
leonar.dez. says:
sorry~
karen says:
theres nothing to be sorry bout
karen says:
erm ok lar
karen says:
then i dont kacau you lar
leonar.dez. says:
dont eh
leonar.dez. says:
kacau me eh
leonar.dez. says:
then i can marah someone then i can feel better
leonar.dez. says:
ahahaha!
karen says:
eo
karen says:
erm since youre the one pmsing
karen says:
then ok lar
karen says:
i just keep quiet lar
karen says:
then you just marah lar

then dont know what the hell marah marah at there until the end:

karen says:
im leaving eh
karen says:
only you sendiri think that i leave you alone ok
karen says:
i didnt even say anything
karen says:
go now eh
karen says:
so that you dont have to see the goats face eh
karen says:
happy lar
karen says:
go and be happy with your swollen eyes eh!
leonar.dez. says:
i will
karen says:
hope youre happy with your eyes!

cannot la.. you must read the whole bloody thing that only you know how er chui she is~not me.. its her~ seriously!

whatz ze planz?

everyone seems to be walking their way to industries these moments towards degree. noone seems to care about what assignments you are doing. how excel you will do. we talked about future nowadays.

some might have his plan drawn out clearly even until the next five years. scary it may heard.

some might have just plan for next week. like me :p

it is scary, i can see. the life after study. the life, where you have to support your own life. no more allowance from parents. like hiro :p. the time where we have to understand, that life is not easy. money is not that easy to get (so stop spending it like water, leo :p)

never have i told anyone that i have passion in teaching, even during my primary school. when every students wrote down doctor and pilot as their dreams, i wrote teacher. sounds stupid, do I?

well, i was given a chance to become a tutor now (at least something that is connected to teaching) i found this satisfaction, a different satisfaction from the working life i’ve gone several months ago.

of course, interior designing give satisfaction, but teaching interior design is just double satisfaction. rofl.

well, life is like this and that. i see life as something that is random. i don’t see the point of planning in your life. as in, planning in the big 5 years ahead. of course you need plan, maybe 1 months ahead or something. but 5 years? imagine what can happen in 1 months, how am i supposed to plan for 5 years..

and for the first time ever, today, i skipped two classes~ in purpose, i mean. well, in a smart way. because class was cancelled eventually~~

yesterday, after the seminar from ian, i was invited to join a lunch with ian, the speaker. aniza, the assistant speaker. dato chin, the dean. christine, the program leader. arifi, lecturer. farah, lecturer. it is such a great time, having lunch with them, although i could just talk to aniza, arifi, and farah, because the rest are too far away, especially dato chin. :p (i miss dato farid).

well, we talked much on the experience of teaching. it is a good experience, teaching. i do feel that. especially in limkokwing, where we deal with students over the world. the perception of beauty is somehow different from each eyes. they see things differently from us. what is nice is bad. what is bad is nice.

about teaching, about design, about furniture, about going into the industries, about anything else. i feel honored to be able to talk these with them, seriously.

what is nicer is the shot of escova. lol.

good day :p

awards = responsibilities

There’s something keep bugging my mind right after my tutorial with my design lecturer.

It reminds me of the very first few days of being a student tutor. When i was introduced to a senior from architectural field, a student tutor himself. He seemed experienced and very good in terms of what he is supposed to do, tutoring, and critiquing of course. Then it comes to that particular day when he suddenly started a kinda loud conversation over the cubicles in the faculty, where there are several lecturers that do not know about me, saying:

Hey Leo, you’re the one who win awards, right?

Of course I know that he is talking about the diploma awards. “what awards?” i said. “diploma..” “yeah..” i said with a down tone of course, knowing that i might be the stupidest person on the faculty at that time.

Then it comes to the installation in the courtyard, just few weeks after i knew him. He came and asked me which one is mine. and i pointed at the black weird thingy identifying that that ugly piece is mine. Can be seen from his first expression that he is shocked in a way that why does my work look like that. but yet, i am proud of it. although, he helped me with presentation eventually. so much appreciated.

Passed few weeks and i’m getting used to the environment of the faculty. and i cant recall when does this next event happen that someone said something like:

of course he can do it, he’s awards winner..

This whole thing is becoming stressing for me. I get the impression of everyone is waiting to look at my design, the awards winner designs.

you’re getting there, Leo. you’re way better. your first idea was like…

crap. i can feel that impression right after my lecturer told me that after my tutorial earlier today.

See, this whole responsibilities in holding awards is not easy to handle. now, i know a lot of people can win an award in limkokwing but winning two awards is what makes you memorable and people are judging your next works in order to justify the awards.

Of course, i am very proud of what i achieved last diploma. but changing to a more architectural field for me is kinda hard. i have passion in interior, now that i realized how stupid i am in designing a shelter. interior is what i do.

Another thing that happened today, my lecturer asked me if i would like to join an MSID (Malaysian society of interior designer) competition this coming november. of course i’d like to. i mean, it is only selected students that is asked to join. but again, this whole responsibilities thing doubt if i should go for the competition. i am excited yet i scared that i cant perform well.

Life I want to live in

Today, I woke up, checked my FB and it left me shocked.

Many left small notes in my friend’s FB wall, “deep condolences for you and your family…”

I did not know what has happened that point of time, so I asked a friend of mine who also left note there. “Her father passed away,” he typed.

.

What?

.

How come?

.

.

I’ve been quite close with this friend although not so. She was once my senior, my friend in choir and she is still one friend in my life, a person I’ve adored. Someone who has great personality, great academic result, great bunch of friends, great life I would say.

.

Suddenly, tears just rolled down from both eyes. Wash off my face. I did not know what has happened inside my brain, why did I cry? I did not even know who her father is…

,

But still, I cried and could not stop thinking. What situation could she be at now… It’s just few hours ago. :’( I really do no know what I could do to ease her, so I only left a small note in her wall as what others did.

//

It has set me thinking. What if we were at her situation? I always focus too much on my self.

.

Many of us, probably every single of us, have always rant, whine, said the world is unfair to us, blamed once your loved one who left us behind, swear the sticky situation we are at. Every day, every single minute, every moment….

Never once I stop and think. What is the reason behind those complaints?

I only  rant whenever I feel life is so bad. I never thank those who give me laugh and cry.

I remembered one’s wrongdoing to me, never had I appreciate once their little help.

I had this bad temper to scold people whenever I felt like.

I felt I am the one who had the severest problem in this world that no one could ever understand me.

.

Have I ever once think that life is just too short to whine about?

So pathetic, that I whine about my stressful study, my future career, my stupid hi-bye friends. Isn’t there something else that is great enough for me to whine about?

Have I ever once feel grateful to the existence of people in my life? whether they are here for years, a day, or just pass by a second?

For all the happiness, lessons, accompaniment, love I’ve received till today.

.

Have you ever contemplate of what’s the most important thing in your life that you want to protect?

Your grade, your money, your job, your hand, your hair, your mp3, your girlfriend or boyfriend..?

Have you ever find the one thing you want to do more often every day?

Is it playing soccer, hanging out with your gang, singing your fav song, studying for your quiz or watch your favs movie?

.

My answers is straight “NO”.

I’ve never once really think about it until today. That moment, few seconds in that few hours ago before I blog this post.

This life of mine is this once and only. I always attempt to find the purpose of my life.

But, in the end, I’ve wasted too much time to try to find nothing.

.

“Life is like this long long road.

At first it looks smooth and straight..

Some walk, some run towards it.

Hope to find the end of this road.

They imagine there’s something they always want to have

when they reach the end.

Along the road there are too many.

Too many bumps, some small, some high.

It shakes your self, and your principle.

When you can’t hold on to your faith,

you fall down and give up in the middle of the road.

But, when everyone is chasing after another to reach that end.

Have they ever realised, that the end might not be that far?

Have they ever realised there could be some signs along this road?

Something else beside the road, a stop that they might want to choose to halt.

Or…

Have they ever realised that there could be another path apart from this straight road?

there’ll be signs along the road that you could choose to change your direction.

But do they open their eyes to look at those signs and make decisions?

I believe,

What is at the end of the road is not important.

But how you live towards the end that count.

Whether you stop several times to think of what you can do afterwards.

Whether you stop and meet enough people to lead you wise.

Whether you stop and see the signs God have given to us.

To live is to love. To live is to care. To live is to be grateful.”

I know that I live my life as a student in NTU, as a daughter of my parents, as a friend of yours, only in this life. Not next life. And believe it or not, it is short. Too short sometimes.

So, why do I want to cry about small little bumps in my life? that my laptop was spoilt, my fyp does not show progression, etc…

Why do I want to feel angry because I can’t find what I want to do after my graduation? Why do I want to swear those people who don’t see me as I am?

.

No, I want to stop doing that. I want to start believing I could not live this life without paying attention to others. How others live their lives.

I want to stop thinking that material success is what this life all about. I want to live this life as who I am not who they see me as. I want to always love and care about my family, help my friends more, be someone who I want to be. I do not want to lose myself when life is too tough that it shaped me to be someone else, egoist, ignorant, hermit.

It is not a promise that I can broke. It is a principle I want to stick on to. It is a guide that I will live my life.

.

Hence, I will leave you with this big question.

Have you do things that lead you to live this only and only life as what you want it to be? Do you see the signs?

.

rhynchan

off.

state of mind

just in a swoosh… it is october 5th and counting week 9 in the 16 academical weeks already. 7 weeks to go for my so-called semester 7.

other than i’ve been eating madly and this body is getting wider to every sides, i am not feeling so well lately, maybe i’ve been rushing two reports at a time. to cover what i lost when my parents were here. yea. but it turn out that the submission is postponed. how great is that? then again, im still lost with my design. the first time ever that i am lost with what to design, seriously.

i would like to wish my best friend an early happy birthday wish, cause i know i might forget anytime. Herlin, happy birthday~~ all the best

then… talking about holidays already. everyone seems to be so excited this time. cause it is the super long holiday that might end in early march next year.

although i had a 3 months of work and travel USA in mind, but i think it is impossible. first, dad wont let go of such amount of money just for me. second, i have too much to sacrifice if i go. well, i do sacrifice a thing if i didnt.

see, lee yi is coming back around december. and i have to meet her no matter what.

no matter what i have to go back to Medan latest by Dec 22 to celebrate a close friend’s wedding.

and also to conduct a research for next semester final project. ~.~

and my 21st birthday, which might be nothing special basically.. haha..

and chinese new year that are not supposed to be missed..

there’s just too much to be done rite? not to say, my part time work which i dont know if i even have time to do anymore now.

well, supposingly, i leave it to time to adjust it for me. as for now, i just have to do whatever comes now. not thinking too much on what is coming next two months or next year..

Red Bean

I can’t stop myself posting this lyrics, haha love the song love the lyrics so much

Haven’t really felt that
snowflakes flying atmosphere
We shivered together
and understood better what is tenderness
Haven’t held hands with you
walk across the barren desert
Maybe fron then since
Learn to appreciate
Eternity

There’re times there’re times
I’ll believe that everything has an end
reunite breakaway there’re times
there’s nothing that last forever
But then I at some times
rather choose to linger not let go
Wait till watch through the whole scenery
Maybe you’ll accompany me to watch the stream flow

Haven’t steamed the red bean for you
into an entangled web of wound
And then enjoy it together
will then understand
the sorrow of missing each other
Haven’t yet really felt
the tenderness of kissing while awake
Maybe on my surroundings
You’ll then pursue the freedom of being alone

rhynchan

=off

tak berjudul

It seems that I’ve lost track on my own blog. until I had my own RSS feed tinkling on my mailbox account saying that there is a new post about “ships”. it’s a very good one, i must admit. i like it.

now, reading about the ships, it reminds me more on to how have i remember the folks on the ships that i’ve left, or been left, rather than wondering if i were forgotten for some reason. have i remember every joy we had, have i remember anything at all. you know this little brain can’t cope with all these things sometimes.

then again, why do we have to leave the ships when we are already so attached to each other? and leave and find another ship? well, idk. thats life. lol

well, enough about the ships. it is thursday and my parents are coming to town like in another 2 hours, on which i can’t sleep thinking that i should be awake very early to pick up the car. and what if i cant wake up. and what if danial rent the car to somebody else. and what if i cant get a car at all. and what if.. and it goes.

i think i do have my dad’s way of thinking too much. we think too much on a thing. we think too far for a thing. far beyond anything. that makes him insomniac for almost 2 years. well, it happened to me last night.

but anyway, im sure to be sleeping tight tonight. with my stomach fully stocked of course. rofl.

talking about which. i would like to thank someone for being with me, close with me, care to me, and everything for the past six months. it’s been great, isn’t it?

Wonder of Ships…

There’s this whole notion about “ships” goes around my head. “Ship” which leads me to somewhere, far away, nowhere, far away. No idea where it was. Anytime I should be prepared to jump to another “ship” that willing to take me in…

.

Here, not the actual real ships that you see in the harbour or that sail on the sea, they are something less visible yet irreplaceable.

.

Inside the “ship”, there are many many. Yes, many different kind of people trying to fit in the ship and to feel comfortable with everyone else in there. there, the story goes…

.

//

.

Like all small kids, I remember the first time when I’ve gotten to know my very first “ship” – it’s there, you can’t deny it and it’s given by God. I remembered the first time I cried so badly when my mom said she was gonna leave me after I started to scream and not listening to her as I purposely hit my brother. Afraid that even this ready-sailed “ship” would leave me alone, I begged her to stay and come back…

.

My mother came back to me and I was relieved. Same as my brother, he went excited that he’d forgiven me by accompanying him playing gun-shooting with him – a game he would have to wait and play girl’s cooking set before he could even try to ask us to play with him.. Since then I knew this is the “ship” that would never ever abandon me. Grateful and moved by the endless, unselfish and unconditional traits this “ship” bring to me, I take it as granted…

.

Few  year later, I went to my primary school where fright and doubt haunted me because of the new challenge – to befriend with strangers.

.

To this shy skinny little girl, everyone seemed to be happy and satisfied with whom they talked to, they shared the snacks or whom they played with. There was no space for her at all, but she always remember that she still have her first and only “ship” to hang on to.

.

So, there she was. Sat in front of the class without revealing a single scent of herself. “I don’t need them, I have my “ship” which always welcome me!”, she reassured her feeling.

.

She moved on, matured a little. Seemed a bit too lonely when she have to wait at the school without any single excitement. Just like someone sitting in this coffee shop by the sea, looking at the new mysterious “ships” lining-up, comes and go. That “ship” looks captivating, blasted yet, I could feel there was this special “meaning” that I would never ever understand if i remained in only my first “ship”.

She went, “Hm, what are they doing inside that ship? Is it that fun?”

.

A moment later, she have forgotten most of the things. But, she had herself inside the new “ship”. It’s not easy to get an access to this”ship”. You’ve got to be sure that’s the “ship” you want to be in. Although I forgot the details, I knew it was pretty hard decision for me to even choose the “ship”. When you’re in it, NEVER think you are there and going to be happy  happy!

Right, coz you still won’t get a very high chance to mingle with the rest of the people. Some people might be friendly enough to catch up with you. Some might just give that “you-are-not-our-people” sort of face. Some, didn’t even care you were there.

.

I would say, not an easy task for me to strive in that “ship”. I know I would always have my first “ship” which is loyal enough to take me on if I were ousted. Yet, I had to challenge and exposed myself to the world if not to remain silly girl who has nothing but satisfied with the first “ship”.

.

.

Practiced, practiced. Discipline, concentration and faith. I’ve put whatever I have in myself to them. To remain a cheerful element in that “ship”. well, sometimes they found me “strict and scary” yet, at least I thought they love me and I love them. We’ve built our memories everyday. Infatuation got everyone of  us.

Sometimes we giggle, sometimes we weep, sometimes we explode, sometimes we cry. At the end, we were still holding each other hand to remain strong and balance the overcrowded ship. So, there I was, cheering with big gulp of wine for everyone in that “ship”.

.

Row.

Row.

Row harder.

Row harder…

.

Hope.

.

It won’t stop.

.

Hey, a bit more and you can claim that you belong to this “ship” soon.

told my brain to the heart…

.

.

It slower down.

I saw the next stop.

.

Smile, remain calm.

We hugged.

.

.

“Ship” halted.

Panicked.

.

Beacon started to signal.

.

Kept rowing.

.

.

“You have to leave this ’ship’”

.

But, but…Everyone has been so comfortable with each other.

.

Time to leave! NOW! There they said.

.

//

Sands, rocks, winds. What had just happened to me? They said what?

//

wept.

laughed.

jumped.

drowned.

.

\\

Believe me or not, I’d moved on so far since then. Many “ships” have I jumped since that shocking “abandonment”. I learned some lessons from every ship I’ve went into. I’ve had special memories from every person I’ve met in every “ship”.

.

However, sometimes, I would ask myself.

“Why would you even want to hop into another ’ship’ when you know it’s gonna alight you somewhere soon where you’ve got to pick yourself up to look for another ’ship’?”

.

It hurts you know. Sometimes. Doubt yourself.

“Have I even ever been remembered as part of them? when I was there? What about after I left that ’ship’? “

.

What’s the whole purpose of understanding these “ships”? What’s the meaning of each “ship”? Would I able to be so fortunate to even keep one of them as mine like my first “ship” that is given by God? Or Wouldn’t I?

.

Will be please to know what you think about these “ships”.

.

.

PS: Let me introduce my “ships”.

My first “ship” is what I called kinship. A place where will always take you in whenever you have no other “ship” to hop into.

the other “ships” is relationships in general. It could be friendships, acquaintance-ships, etc.

Pics courtesy to: Flickr

Sign off=

rhynchan~